Jason (frozenphoenix) wrote,

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Some lite philosophy.

When I'm in a brooding mood I tend to question my place in the world, and how I relate to other people. I always end up with some depressing conclusion about not being of any consequence. I'm not sure why it happens, but it always does. There's probably truth to it, but it doesn't seem to matter quite so much when I'm on the upswing. A fun thing you can do if you get bored is go through my past entries and try to guess whether I'm in an up or down state of mind by judging what I've written. I'll go ahead and give this one away; I'm on the way up.

I've often considered the state of my mental health. I've never actually been to a professional analyst, so I've really no idea where I would fall in the sanity spectrum. I guess I'll never go because if I go in expecting a diagnosis and get told I'm normal I'll feel ripped off. At least if I could say, "I'm bipolar/schitzotypal/anything else," I'd have an excuse and be able to add some depth to my character. I know I said I was on the way up, but I'm not there yet. Everybody needs a crutch of explanation and some sort of object of self. I'm convinced of this when I hear people speak with pride of their suppposed mental disorders.

I think I get closest to findng some sort of purpose to my life when I'm in my depressive mode. For weeks now, I've been aching to create, yet I don't even know where to begin or what to create. It's like there's a void where great ideas used to come from. I could blame the bombardment on my senses by TV/Internet with their constant flow of new ideas or at least new representations of the same ideas. As such my own center for creation could have shrivled from disuse. I fear that could really be the case. I must find a way to get it back. That's the only way I think I could drive the feelings of worthlessness away; to make something worthy. So that's my quest for now, I'll ponder and dwell until I succeed. Or until I grow complacent with my lot once more. Either way, we'll see what real progress has been made the next time I'm down.

In conclusion, I hate high-quality scan sites. I mean, I appreciate the webmasters' plan of trying to bring me center-fold quality images, but when it takes a minute and fifty seconds from starting the load to see even a nipple (I'm on a high-speed connection, too), I just can't do anything with it. You think about that.
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